Gratitude

I bitched about a lot today. Out loud, in my head, to my family, to the checker at Wal-Mart. Sure, I have a lot to bitch about: I'm covered in flea bites and my passive-aggressive stepmother is opposed to all forms of chemical flea intervention (and also I think she doesn't like me). I have two exams, two major project deadlines, and a minor project deadline all due next week. I haven't slept a full night in two weeks (because of the fleas). I'm stressed about my finances, about the fact that my weight is slowly creeping up and up and up, about how I'm coming up on some major life choices (to grad school or not to grad school?), and a host of other issues that I won't detail here because my point is not to rant. My point is that while bitching about these things, I forgot to be grateful.

 

A friend I went to high school with has incurable esophageal cancer. He's 36. He has a wife and three young kids, and he most likely won't live to see them graduate junior high. I wear "Pray for Patrick" bracelet to remind myself to keep him and his family in my prayers, but I also wear it as a reminder that my anxieties and problems are small. A reminder that lots of people are facing some REAL problems. 

 

My mom listened patiently as I complained and laughed with me about how some people are batshit crazy, and there's nothing that can be done. She offered some advice (steamroll right over the bitch and get on with your business) and was just her usually awesome self and I'm eternally grateful for my mom. My sister sent me an inspirational good morning text and an article she read about happiness. I am eternally grateful for my sister also.

 

So instead of spending another hour on my never-ending schoolwork this evening, I'm taking a moment to be grateful. Even if I fail these assignments and flunk out of college, these school deadlines and insanely itchy bug bites aren't even in the same problem-galaxy as incurable cancer. Which means for me, right now, everything is gonna be ok.

 

The article Jamie sent:

 

How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex, and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps. 

The covers of most men's and women's magazines have similar headlines: "Get Great Abs" and "Have Amazing Sex."

From the looks of it, these two issues have been recycled over and over (with some other stereotypically gender-relevant articles thrown in) on every Men's Health, Maxim,Cosmopolitan and Glamour cover since the dawn of time. In fact, I'd bet that if we could get a better translation of cave drawings, they would read something like "Grok get flat belly. Make girl Grok moan with joy."

And we keep buying them. We keep buying this lie that these things will make us happy. I've had washboard abs (past tense) and I've had some pretty phenomenal sex. Neither one made me a better person. Neither one completed me or made my life more fulfilling.

We chase this idea of "I will be happy when... "

I will be happy when I have a new car. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a better job. I will be happy when I lose five pounds. What if instead we choose to be happy -- right now?

If you can read this, your life is pretty awesome.

Setting aside our first-world problems and pettiness, if you are online reading this, you have both electricity and WiFi or access to them. Odds are you are in a shelter of some sort, or on a smart phone (and then kudos to you for reading this on the go). Life might bump and bruise us, it may not always go the way we plan and I know I get frustrated with mine, but here's the thing: You are alive.

Because you are alive, everything is possible. So about those eight tips...

1. Stop believing your bullshit.

All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It's bullshit, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14 year olds at heart. We're all scared. We all have dreams inside of us that we've tucked away because somewhere along the line we tacked on those ideas about who we are that buried that essential brilliant, childlike sense of wonder. The more we stick to these scripts about who we are, the longer we live a fraction of the life we could be living. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the bullshit.

2. Be happy now.

Not because The Secret says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It's a small, significant shift in perspective. It's easier to look at what's wrong or missing in our lives and believe that is the big picture -- but it isn't. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.

3. Look at the stars.

It won't fix the economy. It won't stop wars. It won't give you flat abs, or better sex or even help you figure out your relationship and what you want to do with your life. But it's important. It helps you remember that you and your problems are both infinitesimally small and conversely, that you are a piece of an amazing and vast universe. I do it daily -- it helps.

4. Let people in.

Truly. Tell people that you trust when you need help, or you're depressed -- or you're happy and you want to share it with them. Acknowledge that you care about them and let yourself feel it. Instead of doing that other thing we sometimes do, which is to play it cool and pretend we only care as much as the other person has admitted to caring, and only open up half way. Go all in -- it's worth it.

5. Stop with the crazy making.

I got to a friend's doorstep the other day, slightly breathless and nearly in tears after getting a little lost, physically and existentially. She asked what was wrong and I started to explain and then stopped myself and admitted, "I'm being stupid and have decided to invent lots of problems in my head." Life is full of obstacles; we don't need to create extra ones. A great corollary to this one is from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz: Don't take things personally. Most of the time, other people's choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you've been behaving like a jerk, in which case...

6. Learn to apologize.
Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do (what's up with that, anyway?). The ability to sincerely apologize -- without ever interjecting the word "but" -- is an essential skill for living around other human beings. If you are going to be around other people, eventually you will need to apologize. It's an important practice.

7. Practice gratitude.

Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. I saw a photo recently, of a girl in abject poverty, surrounded by filth and destruction. Her face was completely lit up with joy and gratitude as she played with a hula hoop she'd been given. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe; as I mentioned with looking up at the stars, it's that sense of wonder and humility, contrasted with celebrating our connection to all of life.

8. Be kind.

Kurt Vonnegut said it best (though admittedly, and somewhat ashamedly -- I am not a Vonnegut fan): "There's only one rule that I know of, babies -- 'God damn it, you've got to be kind.'"

Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can't save the whole world. I can't bring peace to Syria. I can't fix the environment or the health care system, and from the looks of it, I may end up burning my dinner.

But I can be kind.

If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better.

That's a hell of a lot more important than flat abs in my book.

Idiot Girl Starts the New Semester

I plan on posting a pictoral blog of December/January journeys and adventures, but it'll be a job of work and I'm covered up with school work right  now. So here are some highlights of my last few weeks:

Garage 'Sailing' -
Last Friday I woke up early and set sail for Southlake to find some Garage Sales. Basically I was putting off working on my short story that's due next week and I'm only up to a 450 word count. No bueno. What to do? RUN AWAY!  Also, mom's been jonesing for a Garage Sale since apparently Ohio-ans don't have them when it snows. Who knew? Anyway, I haven't properly explored my local habitat here in Roanoke, so I drove to the Southlake area since there's a big honkin' collection of fancy dancy shops and a Barnes and Noble big enough to get lost in, just in case the sales were a bust. I drove around in the neighborhoods for a half hour, and didn't see a single sale. Not even an old sign. Guess I need to find where the brokefolk live, 'cause the people in the mansions there probably donate their gently worn Coach purses and Miss Me Jeans. Which is crap. The homeless do not care about $150 jeans. I do. Those pants are magical. They give EVERYBODY an ass. Sigh.
I found Hobby Lobby I didn't know was there, and  a new breed of WalMart: it's called a Neighborhood WalMart which means they just have groceries. What is the point of a WalMart if you STILL have to go to another store to get caulk and new chonies after you're done grocery shopping? Ain't nobody got time for that. The locals are strange in the metroplex. And they LOVE an orthodontist, a chiropractor, and a dry cleaner, I must have passed a hundred of them trying to find a garage sale. Next weekend I'm gonna check out Craigslist to get a plan of attack on the garage sale front.


What about me says 'I make smalltalk', bro? -
I've said this before and I'll say it again... if you're trying to chat a girl up (and I'm pretty sure that's what he was doing. I think. Y'all know I suck at social signals) ... don't ask to bum a cigarette. This tells me that you're either too broke or too cheap to buy your own.Which means that I'll be picking you up from your mom's house AND buying your dinner in the unlikely event that our uncomfortable small talk makes it to the invite to coffee stage. Kick rocks, man. And if I completely misinterpreted his cues and he was just being polite and burning one with me instead of the Bum and Run (which I prefer), well... my tattoos, piercings, and heavy eyeliner should tell people that I don't like awkward unsolicited conversation. ANYWAY... so I'm sitting on the sidewalk by the coffeeshop smoking, (since UNT went all non-smoking this semester) and he bums a smoke and launches into how he's got a Master's in psychology etc etc etc and asking me questions about my major, how long I've been going to UNT. I'm trying to have a text conversation with mom in the last 15 mins before class starts, but I don't want to seem rude by completely ignoring him.. And the fool says, "Am I making you uncomfortable? Usually when people they start playing with their phones it's a signal that they need space..." YA THINK? I'm sitting on the ground, you're standing OVER me, the sun is in my eyes when I look up at you and all I can see is a dark figure with a halo around it's head, AND I was 'playing with my phone' when you walked up. That fifty thousand dollar psychology education really paid off for you, bro... you were successfully able to cipher out my need for personal space, high five!


Professor McSteamy -
My favorite class is Monsters in Anglo-Saxon Literature. First of all, yussssss! I love that crap. And the first day of class, I realized that my professor is brilliant, engaging, personable, FUNNY and he reads and speaks Old English, which is like another language, really difficult, so he's a genius. So hooray, right? Three weeks into class, we're getting our learn on and he adjusts his belt a little. A small movement, unnoticeable by probably everybody else... and I shit you not, I am hit with a psychic vision of his naked torso. It was a vision. I could see through his clothes with my Xray eyes... and for the first time I realize my professor is SMOKING HOT. Took me three weeks, but DAYUM, son! In that moment I saw his flat stomach and hip bones peeping out of his low slung jeans... he has an outie belly button. He's fit but not all grossly six-packed. He's a little hairy but not Sasquatch-y. I hyperventilated a little. I flushed. I couldn't even look him in the eye for the rest of the class, and to this day couldn't tell you what he was talking about. My notes for that day break off into a cryptic little note... Sweet Baby Jesus. That's all. Rarely ever am I bowled over by someone's attractiveness, and usually it results in a severe and complete inability to form coherent words. Thankfully it took me awhile to realize he's hot, because up til this point I've been making some brilliant commentary in class. One day he even said 'Brandi's point just encapsulated my whole lecture right there. We can pack up and leave now.' Because I am a nerd, I've been able to somewhat forget his sexgodness and concentrate on monsters in the following lectures. Until Thursday, when he got close to me to hand me a paper and he smelled SOOOOOO good I almost accidentally licked him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? FREAK! And to cap it off, we were studying the illustrated 11th century Genesis manuscript with naked drawings of Adam and Eve. He said 'nipple'. I blushed. He said 'genitals' and I stopped breathing and had to use my inhaler (which is mostly due to my smoking and walking pneumonia).

Time for Big Girl Clothes? -
This week I went to a symposium on Gender and Militancy in Anglo Saxon literature sponsored by the English Department. Basically a genius doctorate blahblahblah from Rutgers talking about her upcoming paper on some cool stuff. If you get down on ancient literature, which I do. Anyway my class was specifically invited by Professor McSteamy to go, and I like hearing what smart people have to say, so I went. I sat on the opposite side of the room from McSteamy so I could concentrate (and I'm pretty sure his wife was there too, which would have been awkward since I can't control these psychic visions of him but I also don't want to be creepin on nobody's man) ... I'm listening, I'm listening, some of it's over my head but most of it is not and I'm excited, I'm getting into it and when she invites us to ask questions, I did. And I sound reasonably smart doing it, I think. Yay. And as heads are swiveling to me, I realize that I have thrust myself into the spotlight, and I might as well be naked. I'm sitting around with a collection of professors, doctorates, the SuperSmartStudents who are in programs I didn't even know existed. It's a sea of tweed, fashionably low heels, understated prints, nice jeans with blouses, a couple of non descript band tshirts... and me. Black cherry hair, facial hardware, distressed jeans, wallet chain, biker boots, and the flaming skull reading a book shirt. Oh yeah, did i mention I have my big boobs on, and my rack is displayed tastefully above the flaming skull?  I realize I probably look like someone these people would avoid in a dark alley. I like being myself, and I don't really try to be anybody else. I've got a good grasp on appropriate dress, conversation, and manners even if I choose not to exhibit them personally or consistently. But if I'm going to be hanging out with the giants of higher education, maybe I should go invest in some cardigans and tasteful heels to go along with my skulls and pistols? Is un-badassing myself selling out, or is it simply polite to take the brass knuckles out of my back pocket when I'm doing college-y stuff? I'mma have to think on that a little.

I love y'all and miss y'all crazy.

Stephanie's Birthday Funday

Pittsburgh

 Our trip to Pittsburgh was great! Of course the funeral was sad, but Antonio was able to catch up with family he hasn't seen in years and I was able to finally meet everyone. 

Chili's in the Minneapolis airport that gave us food poisoning

Obligatory plane photos

Antonio's grandparents owned a bar in Tarentum, PA, and lived above the bar for something like 45 years. His dad, aunt, and uncles were raised there, so we had to go check out the bar. Luckily, Antonio's family knows the current bar owner, so she let us go check out the apartment above.

The original bathtub

Antonio and his cousin Lauren on the couch that has been there at least 20 years

Crazy, winding road somewhere in Pitt

Cute street where we found an amazing Thai place

I was really expecting Pittsburgh to be completely dirty and Steamtown-y, but it was absolutely beautiful and charming. After the funeral was over, we went out exploring in Pittsburgh and found some amazing authentic Irish and German pubs.

Crazy interior of the Claddagh Pub

Hofbrauhaus

Overlooking the Allegheny from Hofbrauhaus 

The vats of beer brewing equipment outside

It was a great trip, but we are both so happy to be back home. Antonio keeps saying he never wants to leave the house ever again, and I very much agree! :)

Monday Funday in San Antonio

Today was Monday Funday in San Antonio. Me, Mom, and Steph went to La Villita which is an historic village in downtown San Antonio that's now a cool little artsy fartsy place with some nifty shops and restaraunts. We already had lunch at Jason's Deli ... (where I might've missed out on meeting my future ex-husband because his hotness was so overwhelming that I couldn't make eye contact for fear of being incinerated by his piercing and soulful Opie-like gaze. That's the Sons of Anarchy Opie, not the Lil Rascals Opie. Lil Rascals Opie is just goofy. All I could do was draw attention to myself by laughsnorting LOUDLY and being creepy) ... anyway we already ate so we didn't sample the 'Bangin Brisket Nachos' from Cafe Villita, much to Stephanie's sadness. The Bonsai Tree Arbor had a sign on the door that said 'At the Cantina, be back later' which I was SUPER sad about. Steph volunteered to go to the Cantina to find the lady and escort her back so I could get a Bonsai tree, but mostly I think Steph just wanted a beer. Who DOESN'T want a beer at 1:30 on a Monday afternoon? Some photographic highlights of La Villita:

We LOVE a gigantic chicken for some reason. We never pass up a photo-op.

 

 

        

Brandi's birthday lunch at Logan's Roadhouse.

A great day with Brandi and Stephanie!  A lot of running around in San Antonio, Old Time Photos on the River Walk, lunch at Logan's Road House, Best Buy, Goodwill and of course, several stops at Starbuck's. 

Following A Wandering Star

Mom,
When I asked you what you wanted for Christmas, you told me that you wanted me and Jamie to make a memory book with our thoughts and pictures for the year. You said the things you miss the most are the day to day parts of our lives, and you'd like to have a book of memories so that you don't miss anything. It was a great idea, except for the part when you told me what you wanted two days before Christmas. I thought I'd just give you one for Christmas next year, but we are an instant gratification people, and in a few months we will all be scattered to the wind so maybe an instant digital memory book is the way to go. I can't promise to update this daily, and I can't promise to always have something interesting or profound to say, but whatever we post will likely be entertaining just for the crazy factor.

As our lives take us different directions, I carry you both with me and think of you every day. I hope that y'all are having grand adventures, and mostly I hope that wherever you are today you are laughing and smiling and happy.

Love,
Me